Malintesi... :)

[Frankie71iceman]

Appena arrivata:

Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London . Paddy looked in one
of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read,
"Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".

Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of
dose and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go
in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking cause if they hear our
accents, they might think were thickos from Ireland and try to screw us.
I'll put on my best English accent.

Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da
business said Mick.

They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50
suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at
£2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load em on, so I will."

The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"

"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"

The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners?

Stupendaaaa

 

[maddeche!]

Chissà perché, ma gli irlandesi stanno all'intero Commonwealth come i Carabinieri stanno all'intera popolazione italiana

Poveri Carabinieri

 

[stone1958]

Per gli impiegati statali:

The Four Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were..

The first man was an Engineer,

the second man was an Accountant,

the third man was a Chemist, and

the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured

exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said, "CoffeeBreak, do your stuff."

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet...

ate the cookies...

drank the milk...

shit on the paper...

screwed the other three cats...

claimed he injured his back while doing so...

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions...

put in for Workers Compensation...and

went home for the rest of the day on sick leave...

AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!

 

[agricolo]

Visto che Agri ha un BMW

Bellissima!!!! Ti correggo su un punto: io ho UNA BMW. IL BMW ce l'hanno gli sboroni.....

 

[agricolo]

LEI manda il seguente SMS:

"Amore mio:
Se stai dormendo, mandami i tuoi sogni.
Se stai ridendo, mandami i tuoi sorrisi.
Se stai piangendo, mandami le tue lacrime.

LUI risponde:

"Sono al cesso, che cosa ti mando??"

 

[stone1958]

LEI manda il seguente SMS:

"Amore mio:
Se stai dormendo, mandami i tuoi sogni.
Se stai ridendo, mandami i tuoi sorrisi.
Se stai piangendo, mandami le tue lacrime.

LUI risponde:

"Sono al cesso, che cosa ti mando??"

:lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[stone1958]

Two Australian businessmen in Brisbane were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with no stock and only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling. No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked 'What you sell?' One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'

Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well, only two left!'

 

[agricolo]

In questo caso si tratta di un BMW.....

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered "sure".

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130-page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep. "That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?", "OK, why not." answered the young man. "Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct." says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business...... Now give me back my dog."

 

[stone1958]

Sempre a proposito di macchine:

E-MAIL FROM AN ARAB STUDENT TO HIS DAD

student sends n e-mail to his dad, saying:

Dear Dad

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really
like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive
at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB
when all my teachers and many fellow students
travel by train.

Your son, Nasser

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail
from his dad:

My dear loving son

Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred
to your account. Please stop embarrassing us.
Go and get yourself a train too.

Love, your Dad

 

[FrenchLollipop]

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:

O o

Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this:

o O

Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison.................

 

[FrenchLollipop]

Un cavallo depresso si sdraia e non vuole più saperne di rialzarsi. Il fattore disperato, dopo aver provato di tutto, chiama il veterinario. Questi, arrivato in loco, visita l'animale e dice al fattore: "Casi così sono gravi; l'unica è provare per un paio di giorni a dargli queste pillole. Se non reagisce, sarà necessario abbatterlo".

Il maiale ha sentito tutto e corre dal cavallo.
"Alzati, alzati, altrimenti butta male!!!"

Ma il cavallo non reagisce e gira la testa di lato.

Il secondo giorno, il veterinario torna e somministra nuovamente le pillole, dicendo poi al fattore: "Non reagisce: aspettiamo ancora un pò, ma credo non ci sia alcunchè da fare."

Il maiale ha sentito tutto e corre ancora dal cavallo.
"Devi ASSOLUTAMENTE reagire: guarda che altrimenti sono guai!!!".
Ma il cavallo niente.

Il terzo giorno il veterinario verifica l'assenza di progressi e, rivolto al fattore: "Dammi la carabina: è ora di abbattere quella povera bestia."

Il maiale corre disperato dal cavallo:
"Devi reagire, è l''ultima occasione, ti prego, stanno per ammazzarti!!!"

Il cavallo allora si alza di scatto e comincia a correre, saltare gli ostacoli ed accennare passi di danza.

Il fattore è felicissimo e rivolto al veterinario gli dice: "Grazie... grazie!!! Lei è un medico meraviglioso, ha fatto un miracolo! Dobbiamo assolutamente fare una grande festa! Su, presto, ammazziamo il maiale!!!"

Morale Zen: fatti sempre i cazzi tuoi!

 

[maddeche!]

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
...
....before prison...

:lol: Ahahahahahahah!!! :lol:

 

[stone1958]

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:

O o

Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this:

o O

Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison.................

Bellissima :lol: :lol: :lol: