Malintesi... :)

[99octane]

Luca Cordero di Montezemolo sta girando per le vie di Roma tranquillo e felice con la Sua Ferrari quando, alle sue spalle, arriva Berlusconi a bordo di una biga dorata tutta incisa a sbalzo e incrostata di gemme trainata da due purosangue incredibilmente veloci, che con facilita' supera la Ferrari, per giunta sfrisandogli tutta la fiancata col mozzo a punta delle ruote.
Montezemolo si ferma in una piazzetta, in cui accosta anche Berlusconi.
"Ma sei scemo??? Ma guarda qui che disastro che m'hai combinato!!!" sbotta inviperito l'ex patron Ferrari.
"ma dai, stai calmo" ribatte bonario Berlusconi "Io ho la Lampada di Aladino, e' con quella che son passato da lavapiatti a Presidente del consiglio. Su, sfregala un po' e chiedi al Genio, vedrai che si sistema tutto subito! Soli, parla forte, perche' il genio ha duemila anni ed e' un po' duro d'orecchi."
Poco convinto Montezemolo sfrega la lampada e, subito, con una fumata variopinta il genio si manifesta: "Cosa vuoi da me, padrone?", chiede ossequioso.
"Un miliardo! Dammi un miliardo!" mugugna scontento "Cosi' sistemo la fiancata della Ferrari e poi mi compro anche lo yacht di Briatore..." pensa, tra se' e se'.
"Fatto!" dice il genio, battendo tre volte le mani.
Mentre Montezemolo si guarda attorno alla ricerca dei soldi, un tavolo da biliardo si materializza a mezz'aria precipitando sulla Ferrari demolendola completamente.
"Macheccazzooo!" grida Montezemolo " un MILIARDO ti avevo chiesto, non un BILIARDO!"
Al che Berlusconi interviene "Ti avevo detto che era duro d'orecchi: secondo te io gli ho forse chiesto la BIGA piu' bella di Roma?"

 

[agricolo]

Bella, ma quando l'hanno inventata era riferita a Giulio Cesare....

 

[stone1958]

Questa me l'hanno mandata stamani per e-mail ( e' in Inglese)

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience... Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it and find some action.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "Shit! I didn't recognize you..."

 

[agricolo]

Questa me l'hanno mandata stamani per e-mail ( e' in Inglese)

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience... Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it and find some action.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "Shit! I didn't recognize you..."

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[99octane]

BELLISSIMA!

 

[morgan65]

Questa me l'hanno mandata stamani per e-mail ( e' in Inglese)

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience... Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it and find some action.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "Shit! I didn't recognize you..."

Bella!!!!

 

[stone1958]

Fotografato in Australia

Attached files /attachments/953675=1450-Australia.jpg

 

[stone1958]

Altra carina:

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle..

His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job.

There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.

So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.

Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no Fucking bike!

 

[Epme]

Altra carina:

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle..

His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job.

There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.

So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.

Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no Fucking bike!

Te le racconta Silvio ?? :shock:

 

[stone1958]

Altra carina:

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle..

His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job.

There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.

So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.

Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no Fucking bike!

Te le racconta Silvio ?? :shock:

Mi sa che non parla Inglese cosi".

 

[Epme]

Altra carina:

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle..

His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job.

There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.

So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.

Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no Fucking bike!

Te le racconta Silvio ?? :shock:

Mi sa che non parla Inglese cosi".

uh .. vero, dovevano essere in francese ... 8)
Gliele avrà tradotte Rutelli
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v12ghF6G1Ks

 

[stone1958]

Appena arrivata:

Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London . Paddy looked in one
of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read,
"Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".

Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of
dose and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go
in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking cause if they hear our
accents, they might think were thickos from Ireland and try to screw us.
I'll put on my best English accent.

Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da
business said Mick.

They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50
suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at
£2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load em on, so I will."

The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"

"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"

The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners?

 

[stone1958]

Questa e' carina:

The Nort of Gully Swedish Volunteer Fire Department

One dark night in Thief River, Minnesota, a fire
started inside the local plant and in a blink of an
eye it exploded into massive flames.

The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the
company president rushed to the fire chief and
said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the
center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000
to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be
called in as the situation became desperate.

As the firemen arrived, the president
shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire
department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone squeaky siren was
heard as another fire truck came into sight... It was
the nearby Swedish rural township, volunteer fire company
from Nort of Gully composed mainly of Swedes over the age of 65.

To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine
roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were
parked outside the plant.. Without even slowing down it drove
straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the heroic
Swede old timers jumped off right in the middle of the
fire and fought it back on all sides.

It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short
time, the Swedish old timers had extinguished the fire
and had saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such
a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and
walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on
film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do
with all that money?"

"Vell," said Oscar Peterson, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first ting
ve's gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

 

[agricolo]

Ripropongo questa....

In un paese vivono due uomini con lo stesso nome. Uno è sacerdote, l'altro fa il tassista. Caso vuole che entrambi muoiano lo stesso giorno.
Si presentano in Paradiso, dove li attende San Pietro.

"Il tuo nome?"
"Antonio Rossi"
"Il sacerdote?"
"No, il tassista...."

San Pietro consulta la documentazione, poi dice:
"Bene, figliolo, ti sei meritato il paradiso. Ti spetta questa tunica di seta e fili d'oro, e questo bastone di platino con diamanti e rubini. Passa pure."

Poi si presenta il sacerdote, che aveva assistito alla scena:

"Il tuo nome?"
"Antonio Rossi"
"Il sacerdote, vero?"
"Sì, eccellenza"
"Bene, figlio mio, ti sei meritato il paradiso. Ti spetta quest'abito in poliestere e questo bastone di plastica. Passa pure"

Il sacerdote dice:
"Perdonate, Eccellenza, non per essere presuntuoso, ma dev'esserci un errore. Io sono don Antonio Rossi, il sacerdote!!!!"
"Certo, figliolo, ti sei meritato il paradiso, l'abito in poliestere e il bastone di plastica".
"Ma non può essere! Io conoscevo l'altro signore! Era un disastro come tassista! Saliva sui marciapiedi, guidava ubriaco, non rispettava i segnali, passava col rosso, correva come un pazzo..... Io ho trascorso 50 anni predicando nella mia parrocchia! Come può essere che a lui spetti la tunica d'oro e a me....??? Deve esserci un errore!!!"

"Nessun errore, figlio mio. Questa è la conseguenza della globalizzazione e dei suoi nuovi metodi. Non facciamo più le valutazioni come una volta. Adesso dobbiamo ragionare per obiettivi e risultati."

"Come? - dice il sacerdote, sempre più confuso - Non capisco...."

"Te lo spiego. Durante i 50 anni in cui sei stato prete, la gente alle tue prediche si addormentava. Quando saliva col tassista invece pregava, si raccomandava a Dio e quando scendeva andava in chiesa ad accendere un cero. Dunque, chi di voi due ha venduto meglio i nostri prodotti? Noi guardiamo il risultato, figlio mio, RI-SUL-TA-TO!!!!!!!"

 

[stone1958]

Visto che Agri ha un BMW

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom.

Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 100mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 120 mph, then 140 then 160 mph.

Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.."

The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.